Saturday, December 10, 2005

Pick-ups and Pyramids

Back in the 70's, a decade of so many odd fads that went nowhere fast, Pyramid Power was briefly in vogue. Someone had noted that grain stored in ancient Egyptian tombs for thousands of years was still able to germinate in the modern day, while grain stored in modern silos went bad after a few years. Therefore, the reasoning went that there was something special about the pyramidal shape, some unique quality to its dimensions and angles, that made it able to focus cosmic energies in a beneficial way.

People were told that animals were happier and healthier under pyramids. Food tasted better and kept fresh longer when stored under pyramids. Razor blades stayed sharper. Even people would have better health, sharper minds, and greater overall prosperity and happiness if they would only take advantage of the positive energies focused by the pyramid. Somebody even marketed a pyramid hat, designed to focus beneficial pyramid energy directly into your brain.

I don't believe in pyramid power, but if something like that does exist, then it must have an opposite. There must be a shape which focuses negative energies in the same way that the pyramid focuses positive ones, a shape under the influence of which people become less healthy, less happy, less prosperous. A shape which causes venality and bitterness and just plain stupidity to thrive. A shape which is a blight on mankind and all his works.

I believe I know this shape.

It is the shape of the pick-up truck and its softer curved cousin, the baseball cap.

Beware this shape in all its forms. Don't drive pick-ups if you can possibly help it. Give them a wide berth on the streets. If you see a pick-up driven by someone wearing a ball cap, you are in mortal danger. This is a person whose mind is receiving a doubly concentrated dose of stupidity rays, and there's no telling what he may do. If you see someone wearing a ball cap indoors, beware. This is a person addicted to the stupidity rays, who can't bear even a moment out of their influence; he is doomed, like Gollum, to waste away into a mere idiot shell of a man. I am not name-calling, merely stating (pseudo-)scientific fact. We must fight this blight with all our strength until the pick-up as passenger vehicle is no more. Stand with me, brothers. Now is the time.

FULL DISCLOSURE: When my car breaks down, I usually drive the Mom-In-Law's pick-up as a temporary vehicle. I am not myself during these times. Run. Shun. Do not approach.

1 comment:

Barbara Davis said...

Duuuuuuuuuuuuude...

Randy and I just about killed ourselves laughing at this! Beautiful. *g*