Final Note About the Rant

I think I'm figuring out why I felt I had to write things out in such detail last night. I never really worked through my grief over my daughter. So much of it was bound up in anger and resentment over that whole final year, and I just shut it away rather than try to process it at the same time that my wife was trying to grieve for her friend. It was hard because while I was trying to shut it away, my wife was trying to get me to let it out. I don't think either of us really understood why I was so resistant, but it didn't help to have my wife basically saying "OMG, U R doing it wrong!"

I've spent the last 12 years just avoiding the subject of my daughter altogether--not just her death, but her life, simply because there was so much painful shit bound up in it. I have not visited her grave in the past ten years at least, I avoid looking at pictures of her, change the subject as quickly as I can when someone brings it up or even when my own mind brings it up. It's supposed to be impossible to not think about something, but it's pretty easy if the subject is painful enough. I hope that maybe I can start to move past that now.